“Noob” as defined in the Spookster’s Dictionary: Noun; "a rude/crude/rascist/stupid/and probably illiterate asshole/bitch/bastard/SOB/cunt/fucktard/dumbassed piece of shit."

Following are eighteen different varieties of noobs.

1. THE BAD GRAMMAR NOOB
Genre: All.
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Either.
Fucktardedness: Low to high.
Info: Easily the most common type of noob, these people appear unnable or unwilling to submit to the rule of grammar, spelling, or punctuation. You may spend several moments trying to decipher whatever the hell it is that the person actually said. An example: "im in ur bas kilin ur dudz."

2. THE SQUEEKER
Genre: Any genre with voice support.
Probable age: 8-13
Probable sex: Male.
Fucktardedness: High.
Info: Imagine the most high-pitched child you can. Now imagine that child shrieking vulgarities and vague threats and insults at you over the headset. Where the fuck are this kids parents?

3. "IT'S THE LAG, I SWEAR!" NOOB
Genre: All.
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Either.
Fucktardedness: Low.
Info: An individual who simply won't admit that they got owned.

4. THE "REAL LIFE" NOOB
Genre: Mostly sports.
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Male, or butch female.
Fucktardedness: Mid to high.
Info: This noob will claim that they could kick your ass in real life after you have throughly trounced them online.

5. THE _____ WHORE
Genre: FPS or RTS.
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Any.
Fucktardedness: Low to high.
Info: That blank can be filled by item name. "Rifle" "rocket" "tank" etc. This noob is adamant about themselves having this particular item, and then will NOT EVER want to give it up. EVER. Oft' times, they cannot even use it properly.

6. THE BEGGAR
Genre: MMORPG
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Any.
Fucktardedness: Low.
Info: They have nothing, and they'll ask for yours. "spar munys 4 a newb?"

7. THE HOUND
Genre: All.
Probable age: 12-16
Prabable sex: Male, or a very horny girl.
Fucktardeness: Mid.
Info: THEY WANT YOUR SEX! And they don't mind asking. Repeatedly. Even after you express your extreme distaste for their kind.

8. THE MAPHACKER
Genre: FPS or RTS
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Either.
Fucktardedness: High.
Info: This is an individual who sucks and is too impatient to improve their skills. So instead, they resort to fucking with the game itself. The best way to deal? Track them down, and shove a gas pump in their mouth. Then make them swallow a match.

9. THE OVERLY ZEALOUS NOOB
Genre: Any with cooperative play.
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Either.
Fucktardedness: Low.
Info: This noob's crime was being too eager. You and your team are getting ready to attack, waiting for the right moment, when this individual suddenly charges at the enemy, alerting them to your position and causing the team to possibly lose. LEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOY JEEEEEEEENKIIIINS!!!!!

10. THE SCAVENGER
Genre: MMORPG or FPS
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Either.
Fucktardedness: Low to mid.
Info: You get killed and all this noob sees is oppurtunity. They run over to your corpse steal your ammo and weapons, and keep on moving. Not so bad in team play on FPS, but if you're playing an MMORPG and you drop your most awesome item when you die, you don't want some commie bastard stealing your shit.

11. THE NEWB NOOB
Genre: All.
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Either.
Fucktardedness: Low.
Info: The newbie to a game, only truly annoying if they don't shut up and keep asking "Where's the 'X' button?"

12. THE NAME SPELLER
Genre: FPS.
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Either.
Fucktardedness: Mid.
Info: They spell their name. In the wall. With bullets. Yeah...

13. THE SALESMAN
Genre: MMORPG.
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Either.
Fucktardedness: Mid to High.
Info: "No, those robes of +3 Defense are so you! That'll be 10,000 moneys."

14. THE CAMPER
Genre: FPS.
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Either.
Fucktardedness: High.
Info: This is an individual with NO honor. They hide near spawn points and kill you the second you come out of the gate. If you manage to kill them, they'll probably come back too; they're in it for the lulz. It is recommended that you eject this noob from the game.

15. THE SCORE WHORE
Genre: Any.
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Either.
Fucktardedness: Low to High.
Info: It's all about *them* with this noob. If it does not directly increase their score, these people are not interested. This noob is especially annoying in team matches where you need them to help capture the flag or whatever, and they're too busy camping a spawn point.

16. THE GUITAR HERO ENTHUSIAST
Genre: Guitar Hero only.
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Either.
Fucktardedness: Low to High.
Info: These people love Guitar Hero. A lot. And they might be pretty good at it too. Hell, odds are they're probably *really* good. Now, this in and of itself is not a crime, but there aptitude for playing a fake guitar seems to have convinced these idiots that they *actually* know how to play guitar. "Don't worry guys! I've beaten this song on 'Medium'!"

17. THE GUITAR HERO HATAH
Genre: Guitar Hero only.
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Either.
Fucktardedness: Mid to High.
Info: People who, for some reason, are *violently* opposed to Guitar Hero. Mostly, you'll find these people on YouTube, commenting on those custom Guitar Hero song videos (look 'em up, they're cool (the songs, not the noobs)).

And finally...

18. THE 1337
Genre: Any and all.
Probable age: Any.
Probable sex: Either.
Fucktardness: ??????
Info: An individual who has so throughly mastered a game that they can no longer be beaten by any one, two, or possibly even three individuals. The person you always want on your team, and the person you violently curse at whenever they kill you for the eleventh time in roughly three minutes. You hate them because they’re ridiculously good, but are they a noob? Is it justice to call someone so highly skilled a noob, out of anger and frustration? You be the judge.